Let me take you on a trip

Ever have anxiety so bad you decided to take some drastic steps? Ever wonder why you agreed to something you realized later you shouldn’t have? Let me take you on a little trip. I believe some background information is needed here.

A wonderful manic episode made me decide that hosting a surprise birthday party for a friend who is turning 30 this year was a good idea. To be honest, I felt bad that no one else wanted to host. Having a lot of people in my house right now is not always a good idea. Kids tend to have minds of their own and they decide when they wake up in the morning how that day is going to go. Face it, if they don’t want you over, they will let you know. And let me tell you that they did. A couple of people had their shoes thrown in their face and the small hand of my two year old would point at the door.

So the manic episode finally stopped. By now, my husband and I decided that during those moments of “everything sounds absolutely wonderful right now” he would tell me exactly what I need to hear. This would consist of “honey, you are nuts right now, you know that right?” The weekend finally arrived and, of course, my thoughts had started to turn more towards “why????”. I started to realize that I would know only one person at the party (the second that I would know had come down with the stomach flu).

The day of, my anxiety started to kick in slowly, but surely. Of course, I wanted everything to go right, so I had the house cleaned, the babies took naps, I made some coffee for myself. Everything was going well, until, people showed up.

At first, my two year old was completely fine. One of the guests, thankfully the one I knew, showed up first with her boyfriend and my boy took an instant liking to him. It was the people after that set him off. Of course, my nine month old wasn’t having it either. So while I’m holding the baby, the toddler decided to let out a full range of emotions.

Let me tell you why that was hard. In order to ensure that the party was a surprise, my husband took my friend to a baseball game about five minutes from the house. That way, it wouldn’t take them too long to get back when we were ready. We were no where near ready when I decided to send that text. “COME HELP! HE’S BASHING HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR!” My two boys had decided that they needed dad there at all costs. Nothing worked. No TV, no games, no toys, not even me holding both of them at the same time – a tough feat to be sure.

Finally, after what felt like forever, but was maybe fifteen to twenty minutes tops, they walked through the front door. I handed one of the babies over as quickly as I could. Of course, with him home, they were fine. And by the time the pizza came, my toddler was practically in heaven at the prospect of having a slice.

On the other hand, my anxiety was no where near calming down. It felt like people were everywhere. There may have been maybe seven or eight not including us, but our house isn’t huge by any means, so it felt a little cramped. I didn’t know these people, I also believe we didn’t really have anything in common. So I decided to solve my problem.

About two weeks before the party, I had been given a prescription for anti anxiety medication. Never having taken medication like that before, I just took one of the pills in the bottle. Not thirty minutes later, I felt higher than a kite. Now, I’ve never been high, but I swear that is what it must feel like. To some degree I can see why people get hooked on that feeling, nothing bothered me. Someone could have chopped off my arm and I would probably not even realize it.

With these wonderful meds, came a whopping headache, and the inability to do anything about it, or anything else. Being a mother and being in school, this did not bode well for the rest of the night. Thankfully, the headache went away with some Advil, and the feeling of being high started to subside, but the drowsiness hit right after. I was falling asleep doing my homework!

Though I would never presume to even tell anyone not to take medication, I had it prescribed for a reason after all, I can make some suggestions for first time users (some I have been given myself later). Start small. Whatever dose they give you, cut it down to a fourth, at least a half. Make sure that someone is home, especially if you have responsibilities that cannot wait, like children for instance. Last, but not least, attempt to work through the anxiety as much as possible. The feeling can be addicting, but it is just not worth it if you become completely useless.

So, that in a nutshell was my wonderful brush with anxiety medication. Will I be using it again? I’m thinking maybe, but I have to get over the trauma of the first time.

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